The Fish is Sleeping…And Other Lies I Tell My Kids

5 Mar

Out of all my parent friends, I don’t know a single one who doesn’t tell their kids a small little lie every once in awhile.

These are some of my favorites…

“The ________ is closed” — insert anything your kid wants to do that you don’t feel like doing right then. Beaches and parks are included in this for me. Trust me kiddos, I love going to the beach as much as anyone…but all three of you with one adult? I’m totally outnumbered.

“In a minute….” — it ends up generally being more than 5 but less than 10 minutes.

“The fish is sleeping” — because I don’t want to pick you up every 10 minutes to see the fucking fish.

“so-and-so is sad.” — used mostly with the dog…sometimes, I just need one minute to myself.

“If you do x, y or z, you’ll probably die” — slipping out of the bathtub while trying to climb out probably won’t kill you, but there will probably be a lot of blood involved…so just stop while you’re ahead kiddo.

“I forgot to _______” — usually takes place with the laundry and certain shirts that my 6 year old wants to wear. I don't actually forget, (okay, sometimes I do forget) I'm just really lazy.

I tell my kids the truth sometimes…for instance….

“Even though I’m laughing, I’m still mad” — My kids are assholes sometimes. True story. And sometimes they do shit that part of me is super pissed off about and part of me thinks is hilarious. So I start laughing because it is over the top ridiculous. But just because I’m laughing, doesn’t mean I’m not mad.

“I don’t care about Justin Bieber” — Reilly is obsessed with the guy. Never mind that he’s 12 fucking years older than she is. Never mind that he’s a pop star. My kid loves this dude. And because of her I know tons of useless JB facts. I don’t care!! I really really don’t!!

“Of course you can!” — if my kids really, really want to do something (that isn’t going to probably kill them) I’m all for it. You wanna play 12 instruments? Done! You want to play baseball/soccer/football/tennis/dodgeball? Abso-fucking-lutely! You want badass earrings and pink hair?! Let me find some! I love letting my kids express themselves in ways that probably won’t kill them.

“I love you!” — totally ending on a sappy note. I love all three of my kids. They are all hilarious and fun. They are quirky and pains in my ass. I don’t care what they do as they grow up as long as they are happy, healthy, caring and respectful. Being a parent has its ups and downs…every parent knows that. But holy hell I love my kids to bits.


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