Upcoming Baby…Wait, Wha?!

6 Jan

I’m trying some new things…giving WordPress a try. I’ve used it before, but not since I started Mom Plus Wife, so I thought I’d try it again…I hear it’s better. So bare with me please!

So I have about 5 weeks left until my guess date. I can’t believe I just have (give or take) 5 weeks left. I don’t feel ready at all. At this point, with both the girls, I felt ready. But I feel completely unprepared for Bachman’s arrival. It’s not like I don’t have anything…because I do…I have everything I need to bring him home. It’s not like I haven’t done this before. I’ve done it twice!

I think part of it is the fact that Ophelia isn’t where I want her to be. She’s so co-dependant still…she needs someone (me) to lay down with her to fall asleep. She needs someone (me) to comfort her at night when she wakes up. She needs someone to be with her and attend to her during the day (me). She is so co-dependant on mama that it makes me nervous to add someone (Bachman) who will also be co-dependant on mama.  We haven’t even moved Ophelia from our bedroom into her own room yet. I wanted her to be in her own room before the end of the year….well, that didn’t happen. So now my goal is before the end of January. So that’s what the husband will be working on the next couple of weekends. And I’m not sure how it’s going to work since she’s STILL (yes, still) waking up a couple times a night. What’s a mama to do?? I don’t want to force her to move on when she’s not ready to, but I feel like I need to gently push her in that direction to help save my sanity. When Ophelia was born, Reilly had been sleeping through the night for 3 years, in her own room for 3 years, and she had night time potty trained just shortly before Ophelia was born (thankfully!!) so I didn’t have to deal with her needing me at night, I could go about my business with Ophelia at night time (nursing/changing diapers) and then be a good mom to Reilly during the day too.

So the husband and I are *trying* (key word, trying) to help each other out, to do the best we can with the resources we have to help Ophelia transition from mommy and daddy’s room to her own “big girl” room, with her own “big girl” stuff. She already made the transition from crib to toddler bed, so this is the next step. I think having two littles in our bedroom will just be too much. At least for me. The husband has changed jobs, which includes a schedule change where at any given time, he’ll be working a different schedule. He’ll have more days off, but he won’t have his 9-5….which I’ve become sort of dependent on. It’ll definitely be a struggle at first. I’ve even contemplated hiring a nanny, or just having someone come help during the day sometimes….either to keep me company, keep Ophelia company, or a little bit of both. But we’ll see what happens with that.

I think another thing that I’m kind of worried about is how the birth will go. I have some pretty irrational fears about the whole thing, and I think that’s partly because this is our last baby. I fear that I will try to get pressured into a c-section for one reason or another. Is there anything that would indicate, so far, that I would need a c-section? Absolutely not. As far as everyone is concerned, my pregnancy is as low-risk as you can get (aside from being “a little bit anemic”, which I have been taking iron for the last couple weeks). Is there a chance I’ll go all the way to 42 weeks and then be pressured to having a c-section? Maybe…but both of my girls were early….and by early I mean after they were “full term” but before their due date. So I’m not sure WHY exactly I have this fear of a c-section. My bestie and I were talking a couple weeks ago about how maybe we know too much…we’ve done too much research…we (or I) have basically “scare tactic-ed” myself into think something WILL go wrong.

Not to mention, Ophelia’s birth is so fresh in my mind…I remember all the contractions, I remember everything that I felt and went through. Between Reilly and Ophelia, I had time to forget all the crap that comes along with childbirth. And no, childbirth isn’t all puppies and rainbows flying around. It’s just not. I was in pain and it was a pain that I hand a hard time coping with sometimes. And what-if this labor takes longer than Ophelia? And what-if I just can’t do it again?

These are the things that make me unprepared for Bachman’s arrival.  I don’t want to say I’m scared…I know deep down that my body is MADE to birth this baby. I know that I can handle it. But there’s just something that is making me nervous…whether it’s the labor/birth aspect, the home aspect, or everything and anything, it’s just not meshing well inside. I also look at how completely and utterly exhausted I am (like right now…it’s 9pm and I can barely keep my eyes open — you can see in pictures just how tired I am as well) and wonder how the hell am I supposed to take care of THREE kids when I can barely muster up the energy to take care of the two I have, plus a house, plus run all the errands including getting Reilly to the bus stop by 6:50am each morning?! They say going from two kids to three kids is much easier than going from one child to two…however, I’m guessing those who said that didn’t go from having just a 4 year old, to having a 4 year old and a newborn and then from having an almost 6 year old and a 17 month old, to having all that PLUS a newborn. I fail to see how two to three is easier.

That’s where my head is at.

For what it’s worth, I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying to hold my head up and be strong. I’m trying to dig deep and figure out why I am feeling like this and what I can do about it. I have great support all over the place, especially my husband. I’m not lacking in anything other than what’s going on inside my head and heart. And I do have faith that something will click in the next 39-53 days where everything will be “okay”. I just have to get there.


As a small side note…I’d really like to get back to blogging again…I kind of dropped off the blogging train a couple months back, but I would really like to get back to it. Soooo maybe not a “resolution” per se, but something I’d really like to attempt to do more of. So be on the look out for more of that! Hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years!! <3


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