I am so in love…

20 Sep

I lay here in bed with my week old daughter on my chest and I just want to cry. I want to cry, not out of sadness or regret, but out of happiness and love. I am so in love with my new daughter, it is ridiculous. It’s hard to put into words how happy I am right now. One of the things that I worried about with getting pregnant and having another baby was if I was going to be able to love another baby as much as I love my Reilly Roo. But I can. And I do. This little girl makes my heart swell, even when she cries. Even when I’m sleep deprived.

I feel a little bad. I feel like I failed as a new mom with Reilly after having Ophelia. I wasn’t in a good place emotionally. I felt for a very long time that I didn’t have the support from Reilly’s dad that I needed. I had a full time job after Reilly was born, and watching her wasn’t the only thing I was doing. I wasn’t sleeping, and when I did, it wasn’t good sleep. I was very frustrated when she was a baby. I have so much more support with Ophelia, and I feel like I can enjoy her as an infant. Brad has been such an amazing support with, not just Ophelia now, but with my whole pregnancy. He understood that I was tired a lot and that I had a hard time doing things. He was so supportive while I was in labor…he believed in me. He’s been amazing since we’ve been home from the hospital, making dinner, doing chores, and just in general, helping out when I need it. He’s supportive of my breastfeeding too, which I adore. He helps with Reilly and helps her feel not so alone, because lets face it, adding a new baby to a balanced household will turn it upside down!

We’re all still getting adjusted, and it gets easier every day…not just for me, but for all of us. I’m more energetic because I had a non-medicated, all natural child birth. I WANT to do things, even though I try to take it easy. Reilly is getting better at understanding that Ophelia doesn’t care about her toys or her games….yet…but that doesn’t mean that she won’t soon. Brad is adjusting to our sleep schedule. I have no doubt that this will be the easiest thing that we’ve done in a long time.

I am so in love right now. With my baby, my princess, and my husband. I feel so close to him right now. I look at Ophelia and I wonder how we got something so amazing. I look at Reilly and know how lucky we are to have such an amazing, smart, funny little lady. I can’t imagine being anywhere else in my life right now. I remember being depressed with Reilly — enough that I was put on anti-depressants. And while I’m emotional right now, I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I’m happy. I am so happy.

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I’ve been at a loss of things to say. I wanted to complain so much about my worries about giving birth at a military hospital with a doctor that I didn’t know. I was frustrated about being in Hawaii and not liking it and wanting to move so badly. I wanted to complain about how all I wanted was a beer and a cigarette. I was a negative person for a little bit. I was stressed and sad and frustrated. It’s not that I wasn’t happy, but all those other things took place of any good feelings I could have had. I haven’t been stressed at all lately. Even the last couple weeks of my pregnancy…even when I was ready for her to come into the world, I wasn’t upset as much, or stressed, I was just ready for her to be here.

My life is perfect right now. Sure, I don’t really want to be living in Hawaii. Sure, we have a couple bills that we might be stretching money over. We have stress in our every day life just like anyone else. But right now, none of that is as important as how much I am in love with my family right now. I don’t need anything else. We could be living in a box tomorrow and I wouldn’t care. (Okay, I would, but you get it.) My two girls are the lights of my life. They are the most amazing and gorgeous little ladies in my life. They are gonna cause trouble in a couple of years. :)

I have the most amazing husband who I love with a passion. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to live my life with.

This is amazing.

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